I Don't Want to be Asian

I used to work a lot harder at being Asian. I used to read sites like Model Minority, Bitter Asian Men and get angry every time a new Hollywood movie came out featuring the perennially popular kung-fu-master or exotic-masseuse-slut caricature. And let me tell you, it was hard work.

A few years ago though, for one reason or another (reasons that I do know and will write about some time), I gave it up. I decided that it just wasn’t worth it to be angry about Asian-American issues (they definitely exist) all day. I decided that it was better to just give up and live my selfish life – and honestly, it is happier that way.

It’s really fucking tiring living as a member of a race. So tiring, in fact, that you’d never get anything really productive done being a soldier in the minority army. This has got to be a good percentage of what really keeps Blacks and Latinos down in this country: constantly having 30% of their brain dedicated to being Black or Latino.

You can see it on TV. Foreman on House is constantly scanning every comment, inflection, etc., for a hint of racial prejudice. No matter how good he is, he’s “the black doctor” first and “the talented doctor” second. And he knows it. And it’s just not worth it for anyone, personally, to live like that.

And let me say, this is the essence of that oft thrown around term “white privilege”: to live representing only yourself, to not have any pre-constructed identity following you around. I suppose I’ve tried to take on this privilege myself. Of course I don’t really have it, but I’ve decided to live as if I did. When I discussed this with a friend of mine, he pointed out that I pretend to have it to make myself feel better. Fine, it’s true.

I don’t want to represent Asian Americans, but they collectively represent me. I don’t want to care about Asian American issues, but they affect me in some way every day. Truth is, I just want to live my life. If I had the luxury, like many European Americans do when they live in all-white-towns, I’d cast away my ethnicity and just be anonymously “white” with a lower-case “W”, or answer stupidly “Uh… American?” when asked my family background.

But as terrifically indulging as it is, I’m beginning to wonder if it’s the greatest idea to completely race-desert. I’ve been absent without leave from the Asian American community for, hah, personal reasons, and there are many aspects of it I dislike to the extreme, but I really have a deep affection for the Asian-American community (at least in the abstract). On a personal level, I feel a deep sense of solidarity with some other Asian-Americans and especially fellow race-deserters (I can spot you instantly). For them, I feel a need to do or say something.

Because our community has had outstanding issues since forever, and if there’s one fairly common trait among Asians, it’s silence. When something bad happens to us, we bear it stoically, silently, and try to weather the storm. And while that attitude has generally served us well, let me remind you that there was only one Korematsu, and all he wanted was to hide out with his girlfriend in Nevada. It took the ACLU to to persuade him to sue. If we all try to hide, we will have no voice, and if we don’t speak for ourselves, no one will speak for us.