On a typical day in acting class we’ll go in there and first thing we do is “warm up” – we’ll stand in a circle and do jumping jacks or try to figure out how to spin our arms in opposite directions. We might play a game in which we walk around imitating animals or making noises.

Tuesday we got up in groups to imitate a factory (using our bodies and making sounds) manufacturing “happy frogs”. Today we got up in groups to do the “Ipod shuffle”, which entailed impromptu performing random songs. If you didn’t know the lyrics, you hummed along or made sounds to represent instruments. Each group had to iterate through about 15 songs.

I don’t think anyone would do this outside of class. In fact, on the first day we were all very shy about doing these “retarded” things, but we slowly got out of our shells. The main message of the class is to not be afraid of failure – that is, it’s better to try very hard and fail spectacularly than to go out with a whimper – that any self-conscious restraint in the realm of performance increases the chance of actual failure. I like this message – I think it’s very true of both theatrical performance and also the performance of many tasks/activities in everyday life.

There’s a small room in McGowan where I go every Tuesday and Thursday. In this room with black walls, I loosen up and fear failure less. There I am probably the closest to my child-self: unafraid to play pretend and unconcerned about looking cool.

So why don’t I expand this small black room into the whole world?

I am amazed that the whole theater company idea is taking off from the ground. It’s not even one particular person – I’m just shocked that so many people seem dedicated to making this work. Maybe it’s a bit early to count our chicks, but it sure seems to be working out. I suppose the limits to our potential as humans really must be only our willpower and energy in changing the world state from the status quo to one of our liking.

Come audition! http://www.sweetsorrowco.com.

I’m going to regret writing this post. The evening started innocuous enough. My roommate and I decided to play a game of beer pong, and then another, and then he invited a she-friend over and we played another. I dominated them. Then something happened. She started talking about her problems and shit.

Don’t get me wrong, I could tell even then that she was a sweet girl. So it was with a twinge of regret that after an hour or so, I said: “Okay, I’m going to go to bed… sorry to ask you to leave, but… nice to meet you”, and extended my hand. I got a hug instead.

She asked if she could continue talking in my roommate’s room. “That’s fine”, I said, “So long as I can’t hear you”. Management books say one should always be assertive but polite.

Everything I know and think during the day denies your existence. I do not worship you because I know that if you were real, you would not want me to. Certainly I am allowed to talk to you though, as an equal, of course, even though you already know what I have to say:

I do not know what I have done to deserve the blessings I’ve been given. And even though I spend most of my time thinking of the one I don’t have rather than the thousand I do, believe me when I say in a rare moment of clarity and perspective that I am deeply grateful.

I want to know what I can do to merit what I have already been given. Sure, part of it is just an irrational fear that I in fact do not deserve these things and the faucet of blessings will be shortly stoppered. Forgive me, I am weak – but let’s assume that at least part of my intentions are noble.

Maybe this is a start: I will try to be more charitable towards the weaknesses of others. And I will do this from the perspective of humility: that I have had more advantages than average yet still fall victim to weaknesses. I have to forgive others before I can forgive myself.

So today in physics club we were building a cloud chamber, which I was responsible for getting the materials for. I accidentally left the isopropyl alcohol, a critical component, in my apartment. So in my embarrassment, I quietly took my friend who advised me aside, told him the situation, and I ran back to my apartment to get it. It took around 20 minutes to go back and forth.

When I get back, I learn that one of the members who worked in a lab downstairs had high grade isopropyl readily available which could have been gotten in 3 minutes. A small mistake, sure, but I think it illustrates what might be a good principle: mistakes should be made public so they are fixed in the most effective manner. It’s less important to worry about who fucked up (me) and more important to fix the fuck-up.

I was lying in bed a few minutes ago and thought of winter break all of a sudden. What did I do during winter break? I tried hard and remembered climbing Mt. Wilson and going to a bar for the first time. But it still took a few seconds. And I only thought of two days – two days out of the 14 to 20 of complete leisure.

What did I do those other days? Probably I spent quality time with my friends and family in the prime of life – enjoying a friendship closer than perhaps I’ll ever have again. If only I could remember what I did…

What week of school is it now? Eighth or something? I’m thinking: today was Wednesday. I did fencing today; that was fun – which means tomorrow is Thursday, all I have to do is go to solid state physics class. Maybe I’ll play racquetball tomorrow – I always enjoy that. Maybe I’ll follow a friend to a party I wasn’t invited to. Those are usually fun, but…

And as I go to bed bruised beaten bleeding from a small cut and exhausted (fencing tournament), I realize that tomorrow morning I have to get up and go do battle – not physical this time, but more, not less, important. My thoughts at the moment are a bit scattered, so forgive… no, nevermind, I have no apologies. Read on or leave – it is what it is.

Human nature is such that we see more clearly, or perhaps just in a prettier white glow, the state of the world as it could be, should be, rather than how it currently is. Don’t deny it. Even the homeless man dreams of a future where his bottle of liquor is full.

We want a world is which we are at the top of the silly little hierarchies we deem important. It’s more accurate to say though, that we dream of being at the top of the most important hierarchy we think we have a shot of summiting. Some wish to be Secretary of State, others captain of the bowling team.

The first time I took the GREs, I wrote my essay section the same way I always write: hilarious and to-the-point. I got a score of 4 out of a total of 6. It was a 37th percentile score, and fuck, I don’t admit to be 37th percentile at anything.

It bothered me so much that I signed up to take it again. This time I wrote the most formulaic, long-winded, cliché piece of shit I have ever been ashamed to have my name attached to. I got a perfect score and am now in the top 3 percent of douchebags nationwide. So if you ever have to take the GRE writing, don’t make the same mistake I did. Conform. Don’t be original. These people wouldn’t recognize beauty if an angel came down and bitch-slapped them.

So I was on Google news today and one Reuters video caught my eye: “Playboy goes digital”, and so, my curiosity naturally piqued, I click the link. A new window pops up and a video starts loading. ‘Excellent’, I think, ‘just what I’m looking for’—except Reuters had changed the video or something and instead it loads “Gaza families’ struggle for food”. I instinctively close the window like it was porn or something. And now I feel like an asshole.

These days are a time for gratitude and renewal, and here’s my thoughts on this:

I don’t know if there is a supreme being out there – but if there is, I am sure He is benevolent.

I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all. (Ecclesiastes 9:11)

One thing I wish to do in particular is to expect less. And I don’t mean “less” in the mathematical-left-on-the-number-line kind of “less”, but rather I hope to not expect either good or evil tidings.

I want more surprise, less “statistically probable”. And I’m okay with more bruises for the bad, if I can find more gratitude in the good. As the next year begins, I am sure the world will give and the world will take – let me be grateful for what is left in the end.

I figure since I got into the school, it won’t be too shameful to post this.

The Statement of Purpose should describe succinctly your reasons for applying to the proposed program at Stanford, your preparation for this field of study, study and research interests, future career plans, and other aspects of your background and interests which may aid the admissions committee in evaluating your aptitude and motivation for graduate study.

Why I’m applying to MS&E